La última nota de Tony: de cómo descubrió el infierno

Save me from myself
come rescue me from boredom

from uselessness

I had no idea how hard
is it to have no purpose
no aim

I imagined walking southwards

          farther South than ever
the southest possible from my previous life
would lead me to a new existence

but all I found so far
is emptiness.

All I found is deep night within
despite the scorching evenings

the joyful girls that smile just because
the stray dogs running from shade to shade.

In the shelter of this church 
I came in
running from Sun and loneliness
I see clear that walking away was not any remedy

and that there is no god who can point you the way
and that I fucking miss my children
need them even with frowning faces
even need those meddlesome neighbours.

An existence without purpose is not freedom
–I see it pretty clear.

Need to do something that gives any kind of result
just for the sake of confirming I am alive.

A daylong trip by the streets of this city
or even weeklong
or a yearlong walk crossing this country point to point
is good as a purpose only as sightseeing
but I came not only to take pictures
that is the least indeed.

I came in search of a new aim
I came to estrange myself from my old life and find a new existence
but the only I got is emptiness
the view of my soul void of soul.

Maybe I am too damn old for this kind of adventures
or too weak to stand the face of emptiness
or too weak and old
or so much used to be of some use
or just met the hell within.

(Encontrada bajo una banca en el templo de San Antonio. Aguascalientes, Ags., 20150830).

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